At the End of the Day

Have three weeks passed already since the last post? I very much feel like I am in a time warp.

On Friday night we went to see a production of Les Miserables. One of Jesse's old high school friends was in it, and I was glad to go, but not expecting anything spectacular. I was wrong. It was stunning - a very high quality performance of an already wonderful story and collection of songs. I want to go again, and want all of you to, too. But the run is over. Sorry. If you ever have a chance to see it somewhere else, do.

On Saturday evening Jesse was playing in a re-enactment/1860's-style baseball game at Fort Vancouver. Dressed up in that crazy costume he looked like a total nerd - a very cute nerd, though.

Also on Saturday we finally got our new apartment!! We've been in the process of going through paperwork and procedures for well over a month and it is quite a relief to know we won't be homeless. Now we just have to start moving stuff over there.

Clearly, there are many good and fun things making the time go quickly. There is also work for me, and school for Jesse, and, of course, wedding planning is completely devouring my life. Some of it takes time, yes, but it's really more the mindset that is getting to me. The fact that there are so many little details and questions and logistics that come to mind at inopportune times (often while I'm working or on the bus or in bed) and hang there, threatening to tear my sanity apart. Lots of people have graciously offered to help, which I very much appreciate. I just feel ill-equipped to run the whole thing.

Some sample questions:

-Should I do my hair myself for the wedding, or make an appointment?
-Why are hair appointments so expensive, is there anywhere cheaper?
-Why doesn't my dress fit anymore? What should I do about it?
-Do I have cancer?
-When will I have time to pick up my apartment keys?
-Should the groomsmen wear shoes or flip-flops?
-Will the sound system work?
-What songs should be in the ceremony?
-Paper plates or china?
-How many of what kind of flowers are we getting, and from where?
-Did I remember to put deodorant on this morning?
-Are we leaving the ceremony via car or boat?
-Will the cupcake/sound system/music guy really be able to do all that? Does he know what day to be in what city, and does that still work for him?
-What if people get food poisoning?
-Is attendance really going to be 85-90% of those invited?
-How long will it be before my diet of toast, fried rice, and cookies begins to permanently affect my health?
-Why does my roommate have MS?
-Why am I so lucky?
-How am I supposed to respond to so many people doing so much for me and making me feel so loved all at once?

When taken separately, most of these aren't particularly difficult. It's just the swarming tornado of them that hovers over me as I try to fall asleep that becomes a problem. But certain things and certain people have repeatedly helped me to regain my perspective, and get at least brief glimpses of some form of the 'big picture'.

Maybe that's part of the problem, though: all the little inane details really are connected to something bigger - something significant, momentous, worth being troubled over. The questions about flowers and ties and programs and rented folding chairs only partially camouflage the underlying questions. The ones about making promises to last forever when you don't know what forever might look like. The ones about home and identity and name changes and new families. The ones about purpose and direction and duty and fate. The ones that admit, "I am receiving the thing and entering into the place that I have wanted perhaps more than anything else in this life, but I don't know the first thing about what that means."