I Am Going To Make It Through This Year If It Kills Me

I’ve been listening to this song a lot recently. Most (but not all) of the lyrics are completely irrelevant, but the general sense of the song motivates and rejuvenates me almost without fail.

Other than that, though, I’ve been feeling pretty crappy.

Overwhelmed. Irritable. Tired. I am the before-treatment blob in the Zoloft commercials. A few days ago an email I wrote to a friend included the following:
‘…I would love with all my heart to be able to say that the post-STINT transition is going well, that life is getting settled, etc. But it's just not true. I hate my job. I am exhausted. I have no idea what to do with my life. I have been having a generally good time with friends when I see them, but I feel so incredibly scattered and out of place. I cried almost every day this week, at least when people weren't looking…’

Is this PMS-related? Maybe.

I’m thinking about some different job options, because, to be honest, I’m not sure that where I am at is the healthiest place for me to be right now. But I also wonder, if I’m the one that’s all jacked up, is a change in environment really going to do much?

Trivial things have been making me mad. Like traffic. And automated answering systems when I try to call a store or government agency. And the fact that the desk that is on sale at Target is sold out and unavailable at all 10 Western Washington stores. And (and!) the stupid Darjeeling Limited release date was only for 2 theaters in NYC, and who knows if it will ever come to Seattle at all.

Are these the real issues? Of course not. But the real ones are either not appropriate to lay out in this forum, or still so mixed-up and tangly and undefined that I can’t even hope to put them into words.

One thing I must say is that I have awesome friends. These friends have been patient and kind and gracious. They have called to say hello, to see how I’m doing, to speak in soft, gentle, peaceful tones, and have not complained when I have sucked at communicating. For that I am very grateful.


Unknown said…
that was my theme song last year as well--i don't even know what it is about, but the chorus gave me some strength.

darjeeling limited not playing in seattle is no small thing, either. you know me, i would be swearing up a storm about that one.

after i came back from italy i was physically sick for the summer, and it really took me several months after that to feel settled... but when i did finally feel at home i also found tim, and now i take a sense of home with me wherever we go.

so give yourself time, and try to look forward to the next great adventure. i know it sounds like the close a door/open a window cliche, but i wouldn't know tim if i didn't know candice, and i wouldn't know candice if i didn't go to italy... so this is more of an open door leading to an open window--which doesn't really make sense unless maybe it's really hot outside and you just open anything that opens to cool off...
Jesse said…
Hey Alexis,

I looked for the Darjeeling limited opening in Seattle, and there is a sneak peek at the pacific place theater in downtown Seattle on Thursday, October 11th. Unfortunately, it's full. However, I'm hoping that means it will open the next day at that theater...which means you would only have 5 more days to wait.

I am sorry you're having such a rough go of it right now. I have been in a similar situation at work before, where you feel like you don't fit and nothing makes sense. I will be praying for you to make the right decision.

When you do look for jobs, don't just look for things that you are qualified for. Really seek out what you want to do, and don't settle for anything less. I have in the past, and regretted doing so. Money is so transitory, but what you do with your life is so important that it shouldn't rest on whether or not it can help us get a house or a new car or something commercial like that.

Anyway, I'm glad you had some time to write down your thoughts. I hope it helps...it's sort of therapeutic for me as well.
Anonymous said…
Darjeeling is going to be a let-down. But if it is any comfort to you, I often feel like carrying little voodoo rag dolls representing traffic when I drive so that I can tear their heads off and I have found that shouting a stream of abuse down the phone at automated response systems tends to confuse it and gets you put through to the non-robotic human operator.

So maybe its just common to all people who used to work with university students in Christian ministry? Regardless, I'm off to beat the ground with a baseball bat now to empty out my rage in advance of the drive into the city...

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